And We'll All Float on Okay

Trying desperately to distract myself, I went home to Bellevue on Friday for a visit. Spent the whole weekend with people I love --beautiful, silly, wonderfully genuine people-- talking about personal growth. And what better way to work through emotionally trying circumstances than to have people not be afraid to remind you how human you are?

Recently I came to the realization that I'm terrified of letting people see me fail-- I create any kind of facade possible to keep those I respect thinking that I am flawless. Of course, it doesn't work; the people I respect are highly intelligent and naturally intuitive, and that's why I respect them in the first place. Everyone knows my mistakes. Despite my frantic efforts to cover them up, I do tend to wear my emotions splattered all over my face, clothes, and the surrounding room... so it's finally occurred to me that there's no real point in hiding anymore.

The funny part is that I'm figuring out that people actually seem to love me more for airing my errors. I am respected more for having messed up a few times than I am for keeping them quiet. And, honestly, when I think about it, I also trust and think more highly of people who have stumbled a lot and kept going than I do of people who seem to have it all together.

So I'm trying my best to simply be honest with people, let them see my whole naked self, blemishes and all. It's difficult for those with whom I've already trained myself to censor my actions, but those loved ones who are fairly new in my life have the benefit of knowing me from the start of this process, and I'm so excited to discover the quality of friendships I'll develop.

I've made an appointment with my first-ever therapist for midway through next week. It'll be interesting to see how I react... from what I've gathered, the idea is to have a facilitated conversation with yourself, about yourself. I'm nervous. I "converse" with myself often, but I'm starting to think that I turn a blind eye to a lot of my own negative behavior, just because I'm not sure how to deal with it.

I sincerely hope I someday manage to fix the relationships in my life that have been poorly handled, that I create and maintain new and cohesive ones, and that I have the courage to let the ones that aren't worth my time go.